WHAT'S BENEATH THE SURFACE? REFLECTIVE LISTENING IN MONEY CONVERSATIONS

❝The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.❞ -Peter Drucker

The most important part of a money conversation is often what isn't said aloud.

Talking about money with your partner can be hard. Not just because of dollars and cents, but because there’s often something deeper going on. Behind every budget, savings goal, or spending habit is a story. And behind that story is a feeling, a fear, a value, or a hope.

That’s why how we listen to each other matters as much as what we say.

If you're interested in values-based financial planning, here's how to work with a financial life planner.

When we think of “good listening,” we usually think of nodding along or repeating what we heard. That’s part of it. But the most powerful kind of listening helps someone feel understood, even when they haven’t quite found the words yet.

When your partner says something like “I just don’t feel comfortable spending that much,” they might be talking about more than the price tag.

WHY MONEY CONVERSATIONS GO DEEPER THAN DOLLARS

Money brings up old experiences, insecurities, and expectations we don’t always realize we have. Sometimes we’re still reacting to things we learned as kids. Sometimes we’re trying to protect each other or ourselves. Sometimes we’re afraid to say what we really want.

It’s messy. But that’s okay. Being willing to wade through that mess together is how you build trust.

YOUR WORDS ARE THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

What we say is usually just the part we can see. Below the surface are our beliefs, emotions, assumptions, and experiences—all the stuff that gives our words weight.

If you’ve ever had a conversation that left you thinking “that got way bigger than it needed to,” you’ve met the iceberg.

Money Scripts® are subconscious beliefs we have about money that we learn growing up in our family systems. A Money Script can be anything, but they tend to fall into four categories. Learn what categories your Money Scripts fall into.

HOW TO LISTEN BENEATH THE SURFACE IN MONEY TALKS

You don’t need to be a therapist to be a better listener. You just need to care enough to get curious. Try pausing before you respond. Try wondering: Is there something they’re feeling but not saying?

You can even check in gently:

• “That sounded important. What’s going on underneath?”

• “It feels like this isn’t just about the budget, is it?”

• “Are you feeling unheard? Or maybe something else?”

You’re not trying to fix them. You’re trying to understand them.

Being deeply listened to is one of the most powerful relationship experiences we can offer each other. And when your partner feels seen, understood, and safe, they’re more likely to open up and listen in return.

Not every money conversation will be easy. But with practice, they can become less about conflict and more about connection.

You’re not just talking about money. You’re learning how to care for each other.

You get one life; live intentionally.

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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES

Klontz, Brad, Rick Kahler & Ted Klontz: Facilitating Financial Health

Miller, William: Listening Well

Miller, William: On Second Thought 

Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing

Rosenberg, Marshall: Nonviolent Communication

Sofer, Oren Jay: Say What You Mean

Solin, Dan: Ask