WHEN YOUR VALUES PULL YOU IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS

Derek Hagen
55 minutes ago
3 min read

Sketch of a circle labeled “values” with arrows showing decisions flowing through it, highlighting that values-based choices are hard in practice.

❝Values are like fingerprints. Nobody's are the same, but you leave them all over everything you do.❞ -Elvis Presley

Most hard decisions aren't between right and wrong. They're between two things that matter.

WHY VALUE CONFLICTS HAPPEN IN EVERYDAY LIFE

We all want to live according to our values. But what happens when two values you care about both ask for different things?

If you're interested in values-based financial planning, here's how to work with a Money Quotient-trained financial life planner.

That feeling of being torn—between work and family, rest and responsibility, creativity and stability—isn’t a flaw.

It simply means more than one thing matters to you.

VALUE-BASED DECISIONS ARE HARDER THAN WE THINK

Most of us hold multiple meaningful values: family, contribution, health, creativity, rest, security, or freedom.

Sketch of a Venn diagram showing overlapping values to illustrate the concept of conflicting personal values and internal tension.

And sometimes they overlap or collide. That’s where tension and ambivalence come from.

WHEN TWO GOOD THINGS ASK YOU TO CHOOSE

A value conflict shows up when two things you care about ask for two different actions.

Do you stay late or go home?
Do you save or spend?
Do you say yes, or do you protect your boundaries?

It’s not that one value disappears when you choose the other.

It’s simply that one value needs attention right now.

Sketch of a stick figure balancing between two competing values on a seesaw, symbolizing value trade-offs and difficult decisions.

Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl believed that conflicting values aren’t a sign that we’re doing life wrong. They’re a sign that life is asking us to prioritize.

A question he used: “Who can be replaced in this moment?”

If someone else could handle the situation, the priority becomes clearer.

If no one can replace you, your choice becomes clearer, too.

Context shapes priority. And it can shift from day to day.

Sketch of two values plotted on a priorities chart, illustrating that values may be shared but prioritized differently by individuals.

This questionnaire is an instrument that taps into ten valued domains of living. It assesses the perceived importance of each of these ten life domains and the degree to which you are living in accordance with this perceived importance.

WHY ONE SET RANKING OF YOUR VALUES DOESN'T WORK

Most of us don’t live life guided by a single value at the top of the pyramid. We’re more complex than that (and having a single core value is risky).

We care about many things: family, health, contribution, creativity, rest, security, or growth. And that’s a good thing. A diversified set of values gives your life stability.

If one area becomes stressful or unavailable for a season, other values can still provide meaning and direction.

Sketch of a pie chart labeled “Value Diversification” showing multiple values as slices, highlighting the importance of spreading meaning sources.

But even with a full set of values, there is no permanent ranking. Your values don’t lock into place as “#1, 2, 3...” forever. Instead, they shift based on what life is asking of you.

During a health scare, wellness might rise to the top.
During a big career moment, contribution might take the lead.
When caring for young kids, presence may outrank everything else.

You still hold all your values. You’re simply leaning on different ones at different times.

Think of your values like a set of ingredients. Different situations call for different combinations. A value that feels central in one moment might move to the background in another.

Sketch of three columns show values shifting across situations A, B, and C—highlighting how context changes what matters.

LEARNING TO NAVIGATE YOUR OWN CONFLICTING VALUES

When your values collide, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re human, and your life is full of things worth caring about.

The more aware you become of your values, the easier it is to:

Understand why you feel torn
Make choices that feel aligned (not perfect, but aligned)
Honor multiple values over time
Let go of all-or-nothing thinking

Value conflicts aren’t roadblocks. They are opportunities to pause and ask: “What does this moment need most?”

You get one life; live intentionally.

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