ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS AFTER SETBACKS
❝Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.❞ -Theodore Roosevelt
Most of what happens in life is beyond our control. Friends leave us too soon, relationships end, and political events don’t always unfold as we hoped. When life throws us curveballs, we often feel confused and uncertain.
This is the challenge of navigating life’s uncertainties. To regain our footing, it helps to focus on what we can control and accept what we cannot.
WHAT YOU CAN - AND CAN'T - CONTROL
The Serenity Prayer captures the wisdom of focusing on what’s within our power. Similarly, ancient Stoics taught that while we cannot control external events, we can control how we respond to them.
Yet, this is easier said than done. Humans crave certainty, and ambiguity makes us uncomfortable. Recognizing the limits of our control is a practice—a muscle that gets stronger over time.
RESILIENCE: GETTING BETTER AT FEELING BAD
Resilience is not about ignoring problems or feeling good all the time. Instead, resilience is about becoming better at handling discomfort and setbacks.
When something bad happens, our coping strategies shape how we move forward. These strategies fall into two broad categories:
Maladaptive Coping: Keeps us stuck.
Passive coping: Doing nothing when action is possible.
Overcontrol: Wasting energy trying to control the uncontrollable.
Adaptive Coping: Helps us overcome challenges.
Active coping: Taking meaningful action within your control.
Surrendering: Letting go of what you cannot change.
REFRAMING FOR AGENCY
To build resilience, focus on reframing the questions you ask yourself. Often, we dwell on the past after a setback:
“Why did this happen?”
“How did this go wrong?”
While understanding the past can teach us valuable lessons, staying rooted in “why” and “how” keeps us stuck. To move forward, shift to asking, “What now?”
Reframing questions toward the future gives us a sense of agency. It redirects our energy to what we can influence.
By asking “What now?” we accept what’s happened, embrace what’s beyond our control, and take steps to move forward. This simple shift can align us with the causes and values that matter most, giving our lives greater meaning and purpose.
So the next time life throws you a curveball, pause and reframe. Focus not on what you’ve lost but on what you can do with what’s ahead.
You get one life; live intentionally.
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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES
Bloom, Paul: The Sweet Spot
Burkeman, Oliver: The Antidote
Dalai Lama & Howard Cutler: The Art of Happiness
Gilbert, Daniel: Stumbling on Happiness
Gillihan, Seth: Mindful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Haidt, Jonathan: The Happiness Hypothesis
Hanh, Thich Nhat: No Mud, No Lotus
Hanh, Thich Nhat: You Are Here
Hanson, Rick: Hardwiring Happiness
Hanson, Rick & Forrest Hanson: Resilient
Irvine, William: The Stoic Challenge
Kabat-Zinn, Jon: Wherever You Go, There You Are
Reivich, Karen & Andrew Shatte: The Resilience Factor
Wallace, David Foster: This is Water
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