STOP ASKING "WHY?"

❝A single well-timed reflection can be more powerful than a dozen questions.❞ -William Miller

We don't have to ask "why" to understand someone's motivation.

We all want to feel understood. But sometimes the way we try to understand someone, especially by asking “Why?” can backfire.

Even with the best intentions, “Why?” questions can come across as blaming or judgmental. Think about it: “Why did you do that?” often sounds like a parent scolding a child. It can put people on the defensive, even if that’s not what you meant.

If you're interested in values-based financial planning, here's how to work with a financial life planner.

So, how can we understand someone’s motivation without making them feel like they’re on trial?

We reflect.

WE DON'T ALWAYS SAY WHAT WE MEAN

We don’t always say exactly what we mean. And we don’t always mean exactly what we say.

That’s because communication is messy. First, someone has to put their thoughts into words. Then those words have to be heard and interpreted, and we all interpret things differently.

Instead of assuming you got it right, try reflecting what you heard back to them. This is called reflective listening, giving the other person a chance to clarify or go deeper.

The Value Compass is designed to help you gain insight into your own values and how they guide your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It can be used to explore your personal goals and motivations, as well as to gain a better understanding of others' values and how they may differ from your own.

LISTENING BETWEEN THE LINES

When you’re just learning this, your reflections might sound a lot like what the other person just said. That’s a great start.

But you can also go deeper. You can reflect what they didn’t say, the emotion behind the words or the motivation under the surface.

This deeper form of reflection helps uncover someone’s why, without ever having to say the word “why.”

Imagine your partner says something. Pretend their sentence is part of a paragraph.

Your job is to write the next sentence. Add to what they said, not by giving advice or switching topics, but by staying in their perspective.

Let’s say they say, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t do what I said I’d do.”

Adding "Because" allows you to take a guess at why they didn't do what they said they would. So you could say, “Because you’ve had a lot on your plate lately.”

Eventually, you can drop the word "because" and get to the same point. “It sounds like this week really got away from you.”

If you’re right, they’ll feel seen. If you’re wrong, they’ll correct you, and you’ll still get to the heart of it.

We don’t have to perfectly understand each other. We just have to care enough to try and be willing to be corrected. Reflective listening creates space. It helps us shift from misunderstanding to clarity, from judgment to connection.

The next time you’re in a conversation that matters, try skipping “Why?” and offering a reflection instead.

You get one life; live intentionally.

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REFERENCES AND INFLUENCES

Klontz, Brad, Rick Kahler & Ted Klontz: Facilitating Financial Health

Miller, William: Listening Well

Miller, William & Stephen Rollnick: Motivational Interviewing