THE PROBLEM WITH SUCCESS

Derek Hagen
2 minutes ago
3 min read

Hand-drawn triangle labeled hard work below a line, with success labeled in the small peak above it.

❝If you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and/or how you measure failure and success.❞ -Mark Manson

Most people have a definition of success. Few chose it themselves.

I'm in a room full of advisors who want to learn about financial life planning. When my colleague and I start talking about different types of aspirations, intrinsic versus extrinsic, we make a point about timing. Ask the deep questions too early and clients tell you what they think you want to hear. They give you the "right answer" rather than the real one.

It's common for advisors to ask clients how they define success. The answers even sound good. They just aren't always consciously chosen.

The advisors in that room had a lightbulb moment. They thought they were asking the right question. They were... just at the wrong time, in the wrong way, and before the client had permission to answer honestly.

HOW MOST PEOPLE THINK ABOUT SUCCESS

Most of us have seen some version of this image. Success sits above a line. Hard work sits below it. The message is that success is what you see. What you don't see is everything that went into getting there.

It's a useful image. It's not the whole picture.

BUT IT'S NOT THE WHOLE PICTURE

One problem with images like these is survivorship bias. The people who tell us success is the result of hard work are people who already succeeded. We don't see the people who put in the same hard work and didn't make it.

This doesn't mean hard work doesn't matter. It just means success isn't an equation.

Hand-drawn stick figure climbing toward the success line saying "come on," partway up a hard work triangle.

AND EVEN IF YOU MAKE IT...

Even if you reach the line, success often doesn't feel the way you expected.

Humans are poor predictors of what will make them happy. Hedonic adaptation means that once you get what you wanted, you get used to it. The thing you worked toward stops feeling like what you thought it would.

Hand-drawn stick figure standing beside a palm tree at the success peak, asking "is this it?"

A grateful person exhibits certain traits. Rather than feeling deprived in life, a grateful person experiences a sense of abundance. A grateful person acknowledges the contributions of others to his/her success and well-being, appreciates life's simple pleasures, and acknowledges the importance of experiencing and expressing gratitude.

THEN THE GOALPOSTS MOVE

Because success doesn't feel as good as expected, the target shifts. We want more. This is the hedonic treadmill; working and working without ever arriving.

Hand-drawn double-peaked mountain with a scribble-headed stick figure atop the first, lower success line, second peak taller.

And then you notice someone else who is more successful. You start wanting what they have. Mimetic desire kicks in. This is mimicking what others are doing in hopes that doing what they do will produce what they seem to feel.

After all, they look happy.

Hand-drawn double-peaked mountain with a scribble-headed figure on the lower peak and a plain figure standing taller on the second peak.

And sometimes all the hard work itself becomes the problem. The more you accumulate, the more you have to protect. The higher you climb, the more precarious it gets.

Hand-drawn narrow, wobbly peak labeled success with wavy lines suggesting instability, above a hard work triangle.

UNLESS YOU DEFINE IT YOURSELF

The intrinsic version is the definition you'd be satisfied with even if you couldn't tell anyone.

It's less about outcomes and more about process. Less about the line someone else drew and more about whether the line you're climbing toward is actually yours.

Hand-drawn stick figure sitting at the success peak holding a paper, calmly reading rather than still climbing.

Did you choose your definition of success? Or did you inherit it?

You get one life; live intentionally.

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