❝A six-inch line is short relative to an eight-inch line. An eight-inch line is short relative to a ten-inch line.❞ -Tibetan saying
It’s 2008, and I'm at my desk on a Friday, lost in my work. I notice a new email that just came in. The software that we use puts out a regular newsletter, and the most recent one has just been released. I always look forward to reading this, so I set my work aside and print it out.
I read an article written by Joe, a guy in New York who works for a firm as their head of operations. In essence, that means he's responsible for how smoothly the process runs. I read everything that he writes. I'm fascinated by his automation skills.
I also work in automation, and I think I'm pretty good. But I'm nowhere near Joe’s level. I start to feel overwhelmed because I want to get to his level, but there's way too much to learn. I'll never be as good as Joe.
The next day I'm running an obstacle course race. I never liked running for running's sake when I was growing up; I always had an objective when running, like to get around the bases or get into the end zone. In this case, I enjoy jogging, mostly because I get to break up the running with obstacles. I feel pretty good about this. I'm in pretty good shape, and I'm pretty quick. I think I might even win my age division.
I don't even come close to winning. I'm not in the top 50. Everybody else is so fast and efficient. I start to wonder if it's even possible for me to win a race like this. I'm not good enough to beat everybody else.
Later that night, I start playing the drums. I find it fun and relaxing to play grooves and learn different patterns. I go onto YouTube to see if there are any new drum fills I can learn. What I find is that I suck as a drummer. I can't understand how these people move their hands and feet the way they do. There's no way I'm ever going to be that good.
Comparing myself to others did not bring me any happiness. Sure, they gave me direction and showed me what's possible, but it did little to nothing for my self-esteem. I could have been happy knowing that I had a great eye for automation. I could have been satisfied knowing that most people wouldn't be able to finish this obstacle course race, and I finished in the middle of the pack. I could have had a lot of fun playing the drums and learning from better people than me.
Instead, I let myself be unhappy because I would never be as good as the people who are the best.
Psychologists talk about a term called hedonic adaptation. The idea is that we get used to our surroundings. Lottery winners, for example, quickly become used to their new level of wealth, and before long, it's just part of daily life. They take their new life for granted. On the flip side, people who have spinal cord injuries that result in them becoming quadriplegic actually get used to their new life over time, as well.
Psychologists also talked about a term called relative deprivation. The idea is that, because we get used to our new levels so quickly, we find that we compare ourselves not to who we used to be, but rather to those who have more than us. Relatively speaking, we feel like we are deprived.
Due mainly to both hedonic adaptation and relative deprivation, it is easy to take our lives for granted.
The antidote to taking our lives for granted is gratitude. Gratitude is simply deliberately paying attention to all the good things that are already in your life. Gratitude is being thankful for how far we've come, rather than how much we have compared to others.
There are many ways to practice gratitude, but one of the more common is writing at the end of the day. Think about three things for which you are grateful at the end of each day. Instead of journaling, you can simply say it out loud or thinking in your head, but by actually writing it down, you force yourself to translate your thoughts into paragraphs and sentences.
Alternatively, I use an eight-item gratitude journal. If you're interested, you can download it here.
The important thing is to actually feel grateful as you are during the exercise. If it feels like a chore, then it won't work.
A grateful person exhibits certain trails. Rather than feeling deprived in life, a grateful person experiences a sense of abundance. A grateful person acknowledges the contributions of others to his/her success and well-being, appreciates life's simple pleasures, and acknowledges the importance of experiencing and expressing gratitude.
When people face an adverse event, like a near-death experience or other traumatic events, it brings people face-to-face with the fact that our lives are short. It helps people reprioritize their lives. Sometimes it gives people the sense that they live on borrowed time, changing their outlook on life.
Our brains developed to pursue status, not happiness. Our ancestors not only had two be a part of the tribe to survive, but they had to know their position within that tribe. Unfortunately, these adverse events are what it takes for people to realize that people and experiences matter more than money and status.
Therefore, we can view these adverse events as opportunities to change our lives. They can be opportunities to get out of the comparison game and live the lives we want to live. But we have to be quick. If we don't make a change in our lives within a couple of months, we tend to gravitate back to the comparison game, hopping back on that hedonic treadmill.
There Will Always Be Someone Better
However you measure your status or success, there will always be somebody better than you. That may be a sad fact to hear, but it is a certainty. Those people that are better than you, however you define that, are the people that you are most likely to compare yourself to. Technology has made it easier for us to notice how many people are better than us, or at least perceive others as being better than us.
Continuing to play the comparison game is a ticket towards continual self-induced suffering.
One of the hardest questions to answer that seems like it should be an easy question is how much is enough?
Indeed, without spending some time to figure out what we want out of life and how our money can support that, we will find ourselves in the constant pursuit of more. This is what tends to happen to people who receive windfalls, like lottery winnings, insurance settlements, or large inheritances.
It's not until we define how much is enough that we give ourselves the confidence to play our own game.
Comparing ourselves to others comes naturally to us. At some level, it gives us the drive to succeed. However, if we don't define what success means or how much is enough, we get stuck in the comparison game where we are never going to be good enough.
You can stop playing the comparison game. Practice gratitude. Determine what kind of life you want and what your money is for. Define how much is enough.
You only have one life. Live intentionally.
Related Money Health® Reading
References and Influences
Ben-Shahar, Tal: Choose the Life You Want
Gilbert, Daniel: Stumbling on Happiness
Hagen, Derek: Money's Purpose in Your Life
Hagen, Derek: Your Money, Your Values, and Your Life
Haidt, Jonathan: The Happiness Hypothesis
Klontz, Brad, Ed Horowitz, & Ted Klontz: Money Mammoth
Klontz, Brad, & Ted Klontz: Mind Over Money
Manson, Mark: Everything is F*ucked
Manson, Mark: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
Millburn, Joshua Fields, & Ryan Nicodemus: Essential
Peterson, Jordan: 12 Rules for Life
Note: Above is a list of references that I intentionally looked at while writing this post. It is not meant to be a definitive list of everything that influenced by thinking and writing. It's very likely that I left something out. If you notice something that you think I left out, please let me know; I will be happy to update the list.
If you like this post, consider joining the Money Health community. There is no spam, just an email every Thursday when new posts come out.